More Changes?

I was rereading my recent posts, which is something that we do at the zmmiller corporate offices here in Milwaukee, as part of our quality assurance program, in order to maintain the level of journalistic integrity that our readers have come to expect; and I noticed something: it has been quite a while since I shared any substantive thoughts on any subject other than the minutiae of daily life. I brought this to the attention of senior management, we had a few meetings, ran it by a number of focus groups, memos circulated and the consensus-building began. In our final meetings we got the green light from the engineering department, marketing reported that the shareholders were behind it and legal tentatively signed off on the concept, after we agreed to appoint a fact-finding committee to look into rewriting our mission statement. Ultimately, it came down to budgetary issues (doesn't it always?) and it seems that our fiscal 2007 R&D budget still had enough discretionary capital left in it, after deducting the cost of all the Chinese take-out and designer spring water consumed in all those late night meetings, to actually execute the plan. Unfortunately, we only had enough cash left for a few hundred words and one or two recycled images. We hope to have a prototype sometime in FY 2009.

Actually, what I've been ruminating on are the changes that have apparently (purportedly really) been taking place within me. It would seem that I have been growing again and, while being both observer and observed it is difficult for me to see, by all accounts it is nonetheless happening. I was advised a couple of years ago that if, through a series of synchronicities and or coincidences, I suspected that God was sending me a message, then I could be sure It (I feel uncomfortable giving God a gender) indeed was. This has been happening recently in a truly remarkable way.

The growth I am speaking of has been spiritual and has manifest itself in the form of a serenity/inner peace that others can apparently sense - I know this because recently they have been walking up to me and telling me about it. I wasn't sure what they meant, so I looked into it a bit further. In the process I encountered a good definition of inner peace: the state or condition of restfulness, harmony, balance, equilibrium, longevity, justice, resolution, timelessness, contentment, freedom, and fulfillment, either individually or simultaneously present, in such a way that it overcomes, demolishes, banishes, and/or replaces everything that opposes it. Sounds pretty groovy, huh? Actually it is.

When I started this process of change and growth, I suffered from a couple unfortunate misconceptions. The first was in thinking that serenity was something that a person either had or did not have, and that both the have's and have-not's were doomed to stay that way. After learning that it could be attained through the practice of a few simple spiritual principles (and truly accepting this proposition) I made the decision to pursue it. The second major misconception that I had was in thinking that, once the prerequisite drudgery or practice threshold had been reached, that this serenity, inner peace or Bodhi would come in an epiphany - a flash of transformational insight. Of course this has not been my experience, thus I think Bodhi (awakening) is th most apt term for it, as I am slow to awaken (and like it that way). I am also, like many, more awakened on some days than I am on others, and on some days it can vary drastically hour by hour. Eventually I hope to be fully awakened.

"Bodhi" is a term applied in Buddhism to the experience of Awakening of Arahants, including Buddhas. When used in a generic sense, a buddha is generally considered to be a person who discovers the true nature of reality through a lifetime (usually many lifetimes) of spiritual cultivation, investigation of the various religious practices of his time, and meditation. This transformational discovery is called Bodhi, which literally means "awakening", but is more commonly called "enlightenment".

The primary guiding principle of Buddhist practice is the Middle Way, which was discovered by the Buddha prior to his enlightenment (bodhi), and is the practice of non-extremism; a path of moderation that lies mid-way between the extremes of self-indulgence and asceticism (self-mortification). The Middle Way, or Middle Path, also refers to taking a middle ground between certain metaphysical views, e.g. that things ultimately either exist or do not exist. It is that state of nirvana and perfect enlightenment where all dualities fuse and cease to exist as separate entities. It is the epitome of gray.

I find both irony and comfort in learning that others have been where I am before me, and that there is a whole vocabulary already in existence that I may use to describe my experiences. What I find uncomfortable is the effect that everybody telling me what amazing serenity I have has on my ego. Perhaps this is why I felt compelled to write this entry. If enough people come up to me and tell me what a spiritual avatar I am, I start to actually believe them - this fuels my ego. Worse, I will start to add in and believe my own bullshit, which further fuels my ego. Before very long, I am well off "the beam," off the Middle Path and busy calling up Tibet to tell the Dalai Lama what he has to do if he wants to be as cool as me! This just won't do, so instead I smile politely, try to accept the praise humbly (not f@!#ing easy!) and remind myself of all the growing that I still have left to do.