Good News

When there is good news we always ask if it is true, because it is so difficult to believe. But when there is bad news we rarely inquire as to its validity, because it is so easy to believe. I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. But, then I thought, wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair, and all the good and the terrible things that happen to us came only because we really deserve them? Now, I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the world.
Similarly, I had always defined myself in terms of what I was not, in terms of where I was going. When you do that, you not only fail to appreciate what you are and what you have, you miss the moments, and the moments are all that we truly have. All of life can be broken down into moments, moments of transformation and moments of revelation – this present situation has the feeling of both. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transformation to be born in moments of revelation. I don’t know the shape of this future or where it will lead me, and I can’t go back, but I can appreciate what I’ve got and define myself in terms of what I am: alive and well. Everything else is negotiable.

Monkeyshines

Zach and Miranda paid another visit to Daddy's house this past Saturday, and a good time was had by all! Even though these two little monkeys had gotten up way early on this rainy and windy October morning (4:30am I’m told) they rallied back for some lunch and hard-core playtime. This visit featured “The Birthdays Part II” with more presents. Miranda got a Fisher Price Take-along Schoolhouse, some Weebles and a set of ABC blocks, while Zach got a remote control electric train set, some Weebles (so Miranda could not claim all of them) and a set of dominos (which didn’t compete well with the train set, though some of the Weebles did get to go for a train ride).
Miranda started out the afternoon with an inaugural nap in her "big-girl bed" (while Daddy and Zach figured out how to make the trains work) but woke up in time for a fashionably late lunch. The lunch menu offerings included another round of “everything-free” rice pasta, carrots, grapes, bananas and strawberries.
Miranda has developed two “new” habits: 1) she now refers to her mother as “Mia” which is a bit odd, and 2) everything is now “mine!” which seems age appropriate. Zach impressed his audience with a stunning display of alphabet mastery – sorting and lining up the blocks in the correct order (though “W” and “M” seem to be interchangeable). He also mastered the concept of remote train control and was able to back the train up to automatically link additional cars and caboose, as well as operate the rather loud sound effects, all while reclining on the couch - we're working on simultaneous cheesedoodles.
The visit lasted until 3:30 when the customary toy-ectomy’s were performed (some toys need to stay at Daddy’s house for next time), the stroller was loaded and heartfelt good-byes and kisses were exchanged – stay tuned for more monkeyshines (when the hell did batteries get so expensive?!!!).

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Use

This one is not only true, but speaks volumes to the argument over getting a sound public education - I am not sure whether it is an argument for it or against it, however. You can file it under "only in America." I'm just glad Al-Queda doesn't have thinkers like these on their side:

Don't you just hate it when this happens? You go out hunting on a beautiful, crisp fall day. You and your buddies bag a couple of fat ducks, or maybe a wild turkey perfect for Thanksgiving. But when you get home, you have to dig all that nasty buckshot out before you can fire up the grill. And if you miss a piece...Ouch! My tooth!
Well, those days are over, friend, now that there's Season Shot. Yes, Season Shot, the shotgun ammo made from tightly packed seasoning bound by a fully biodegradable food product, is on its way, hunters! It's also environment-friendly; instead of lining the local marshes with thousands of tiny pellets of lead or steel, you'll be seasoning them up for the local wildlife! No longer must waterfowl and deer go without the addition of a little bit of lemon-pepper flavoring to go with that marsh grass.
Brett Holm, a carpenter from Chaska, Minnesota, came up with the idea after watching a friend struggle to dress a bird he had just shot. His friend had to cut the bird into pieces and then roll it with a rolling pin to find and remove the BBs before he could prepare and serve it. "Well, he missed one," recalled Holm. "And I chipped my tooth."
It was shortly thereafter that Holm had his brainstorm. "I just thought to myself, 'There's got to be a better way,'" he said. Holm, who himself had not hunted in years, got to work in the kitchen. He envisioned creating a product that would allow for a perfect Thanksgiving Day turkey or a Christmas goose instead of a mutilated bird reduced to usable pieces. "I came up with a concoction and loaded the shells up," he said. "I knew it would work." With a couple of birds in hand, Holm tested out his invention. The shells are designed such that, once they enter the bird, fluids dissolve the pellets and the seasoning is distributed throughout.
What did Holm think upon first taste of a Season Shot bird? "It was amazing," he said.
Initially, Holm and Feig plan to start with a few flavor shots ranging from lemon pepper and mesquite shells to Mexican and Creole. "The chemists are working out the exact spice proportions right now," Holm added. They'll offer five flavors to start, and then they'll tackle their long list of other flavor possibilities. "We'll introduce flavors like a new color of M&Ms," said Feig.
If the financial predictions are correct for Season Shot, Holm and Feig could be very wealthy men in the near future. But so far, they aren't spending too much time thinking about what they may do with the money. Until the dollars start rolling in, both Holm and Feig have a lot of work to do: completing their vision for an advertising campaign and getting a theme song recorded. But Holm has an idea for that as well.
"I'm going to get Ted Nugent to do it," he said of the renowned game hunter. "I'm sure he will."

Random Thoughts

I’m addicted to being angry for feeling guilty that I’m ashamed of being afraid.

What you say to a banjo player wearing a suit: “Will the defendant please rise.”

What's the synonym for thesaurus?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Rock and roll was once a threat – now it’s a Time Life anthology.

Why don’t they make mouse flavored cat food?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If you can’t say what you mean, you can never truly mean what you say.

No Shit!

I noticed this article on my usual quick scan of the news this morning, and the only thing that came to mind was a commonly (if somewhat flexibly) used phrase: NO SHIT!

Male Infertility, Cell-Phone Use May Be Linked, Scientists Say
By Patrick Donahue

Oct. 24 (Bloomberg) -- The number of hours a man talks on a cellular phone each day may affect his fertility, with sperm count and quality deteriorating as the duration of calls increases, according to researchers in reproductive medicine.

Scientists in Cleveland, Mumbai and New Orleans tracked 364 men who were being evaluated for infertility, and split them into three groups based on sperm count. In the group whose sperm counts were within the normal range, those who used a cell phone more than four hours a day produced on average 66 million sperm per milliliter, 23 percent less than those in the group who didn't use the phones at all.

The proportion of the cell-phone users' sperm that possessed ``normal forms'' was 21 percent, almost half the 40 percent of normal sperm produced by men who didn't use the phones, said the researchers, who presented their conclusions this week in New Orleans at the annual convention of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.

The effect of cell phones on sperm parameters may be due to the electromagnetic radiation the devices emit or to the heat they generate,'' the group said in a summary of the research. Further studies will be necessary to identify the mechanism involved in the reduction of sperm quality due to cell phones.''

The researchers involved in the study are from Ohio's Cleveland Clinic, the Karthekeya Medical Research and Diagnostic Center in Mumbai and the Tulane University Health Science Center in New Orleans. They said they received no outside financial support for the study.

I guess this falls into the broad category of: what you don’t know can hurt you! As someone who makes a living teaching science (among other things) I have long noticed peoples’ complete lack of understanding when it comes to electromagnetic radiation (and a host of other things, but we’ll save that for another day). You see (pun intended) the light we see by, the radio waves we listen to, the T.V. signals we watch, the radar waves that catch us in a speed trap, the x-rays that diagnose our broken bones, the gamma rays that created Godzilla and irradiated the good citizens of Hiroshima, and the microwaves that cook our food are all the same thing: electromagnetic radiation at various frequencies. Cell phones operate at frequencies of 824 to 849 megahertz, which puts them squarely in the microwave section of the electromagnetic spectrum. Hmmmmn… microwaves??!!

Cooking food with microwaves was discovered by Percy Spencer while building magnetrons for radar sets at Raytheon. He was working on an active radar set when he noticed a strange sensation, and saw that a peanut candy bar he had in his pocket started to melt. Although he was not the first to notice this phenomenon, as the holder of 120 patents, Spencer was no stranger to discovery and experiment, and realized what was happening. The radar had melted his candy bar with microwaves. The first food to be deliberately cooked with microwaves was popcorn, and the second was an egg (which exploded in the face of one of the experimenters – it’s fun, try it sometime).

A cell phone is emitting microwaves at all times when the power is on, thus when it is in your pocket or on your belt your cell phone is quite literally cooking your cojones, nuking your nads…well…'nough said.

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Metaphysics

I’ve been grappling with the idea of weltanschauung as it relates to physics. The difficulty I’m having is trying to form a “comprehensive” conception of the universe from my admittedly limited four-dimensional perspective; the waters are further muddied when the uncertainty principal is factored in. From a poststructuralist perspective physics, which is the cornerstone on which contemporary science has been constructed, is predicated on a set of axiomatic assumptions that are highly questionable at best (though seldom questioned) and, upon close examination are almost certainly incomplete, wrong or overly simplistic. These most basic assumptions have only rarely been called to the mat, and when they have our entire weltanschauung has changed. Albert Einstein questioned the assumption that time was constant and the result was first special, then general relativity, a new assumption that humanity has yet to fully appreciate (or question).

All these basic truths that govern our perception of nature and our place in it, have arisen from observations of the natural world; observations which by the very process of observing change that which is being observed, therefore rendering the information obtained of unknown and perhaps very little value, as it is information of our own creation. This is uncertainty.

John Archibald Wheeler, one of the giants among American physicists wrote that, “Whatever can be, is. Furthermore, whatever can be, must be.” What Wheeler was getting at is the thermodynamic principle of entropy, that disorder or chaos must always increase in a closed system e.g. the universe. If the randomness of the universe is always increasing and the universe is infinite, then even occurrences of infinitely small probability must occur, given an infinite number of chances to occur. The implication of this, that anything not prohibited by the laws of nature must in fact exist, is profound when one considers how very little we sapiens know of the laws of nature, i.e. physics

So why bother about it? It is an attempt that all humans make, seeking answers to the unanswerable: Who are we? Where do we come from? What is the meaning of it all? Where do we go when we die? These questions, especially the last, are the provenance of cosmologists – those physicists that seek to understand the genesis, nature and future of the universe. Every religion has its own eschatology and science, especially physics, is no exception. Among cosmologist these “theological” debates are centered on issues of dark matter and dark energy, things that by definition can not be directly observed or experienced.

And what happens when this whole enchilada is confronted by a scientific terminator named God? When Pierre-Simon Laplace (1749-1827) showed Napoleon his treatise on celestial mechanics, Napoleon asked him what place God had in his theory. Laplace replied that he had no need for that hypothesis. I prefer to take the position of Stephen Hawkins, and share his belief that God does not play dice with the universe. Perhaps there are just some things that I was not meant to understand.

I’ve Got Mail!

One of my favorite scenes from The Jerk was when Steve Martin came running down the street towards the gas station where he was living, shouting “the new phone book is here, I’m finally somebody!” I experienced the same feeling yesterday when upon opening the mailbox at my new apartment I found a real envelope inside, lovingly addressed to me (resident). I’m speaking of course of the ubiquitous ValPak coupon mailings.
I took my time with it, while noodles boiled slowly on the stove, savoring the moment, feeling the affirmation of connectedness that comes when another human being (or direct mail computer) reaches out to you.
I felt special. OK, so I don’t need to have my tires rotated, I don’t need an oil change at JuffyLube; I don’t even own a car anymore, which negated the plea for business from the insurance lizard. I have no need of replacement windows – I don’t own a home, or any carpets or upholstery to be cleaned by Sears. The advertisement from the Realty Company had a nice picture of a hot air balloon on it, but it also fell on deaf ears, empty bank accounts and low credit scores. For those same reasons Discover Card would need to be postponed somewhat indefinitely.
I live in Brooklyn; thus eating at Domino’s is something I view as an act of desperation. I already have a cell phone and because of my membership to Blockbuster the Netflix flyer didn’t interest me much, though I thought it was cute the way they die-cut the ad into the shape of a movie theater ticket (good show lads!). Varicose veins have never been much of a worry for me or part of my life, and I’m not in the market for a cruise - four stars or any other number of stars for that matter.
I must admit that I was intrigued by the dentist office ad; it is something that I need to face eventually… yes…eventually! Nathan says that on that day (The Day Of The Dentist) I will have become a Jedi master rather than just a run of the mill Jedi. I’m in no real hurry, although I believe that a bad toothache will change my feelings in a…New York minute.
This left the advertisements (with coupons and menus) for the Chinese, Turkish and Tibetan take-out places and I was sure, certain, unequivocally convinced, absolutely 100% confident that they had been carefully and thoughtfully placed in that envelope especially for me. Indubitably! - I think Snagglepus used to say that.
Getting an email is nice, even the daily email I get for low cost Viagra:

LowestPriceMeds OnNet: FROM $69 VIAGRA, CIALIS, XANAX, VALIUM & ALL …10:33 am

But, there is definitely something inherently more satisfying in the receipt of a real physical object. Perhaps it is in the work (time, money and effort) that must be done in order to harvest the natural resources, create or manufacture the object, shop for and purchase the object, personalize the object, package the object for shipping, transport the object – often over vast distances – and finally to deliver the object to the intended recipient.
I’m usually the first guy in line to bash a “Hallmark holiday” but getting that card in the mail (maybe even with a stick of gum inside or better yet a check) is a uniquely personal and uplifting experience – who knew?

The Truth About Picasso

I was trying desperately not to make eye contact with anybody (like all good New Yorkers) while sitting on the train home last night (yes, actually sitting for a change). I happened to look up and noticed an advertisement for the Whitney Museum of American Art featuring a print of a woman painted by Picasso, and I started wondering who in the hell he must have dated. From the look of it he probably fished them out of the same pond that Captain Kirk got all the triple-breasted green chicks from. It occurs to me that I have frequented that same fishing hole. Although most of the women in my life have had their eyes and noses placed in what is generally considered to be the correct or aesthetically pleasing regions of their respective faces, their insides have all been quite as twisted and misshapen as a cubist train wreck. Being around me, as I was then, certainly added torque to the twisting, but like attracts like I suppose.
The process that I have been going through for the past year and a half has been one of untwisting, of ironing out the lines, creases and wrinkles of my life; of airing out, starching and pressing my stagnant spiritualism (it smells April fresh now).
Now that my nose is back on the front of my face and my eyes are back on either side of and slightly above it, the view has changed. I can clearly see the truth and have started to see the nature of Truth. Some say that “the truth hurts.” The proprietors of a certain concentration camp franchise six decades or so ago thought that “the truth shall set you free.” But I believe that truth is a three-edged sword: there is one view, the opposing view, and the space in between the two opposing views, without which there would be no possible differentiation between the two opposing views. This space is what old Pablo was exploring, and it is the close examination of and reflection on this third truth that leads us to a deepening sense of the Truth.

Chinese Tacos

I was sitting in the Brooklyn chapter of the House of Miller the other night slamming down a bag of tacos from my favorite Chinese Mexican place (yes there are actually Mexicans who are Chinese) watching a program on the Parthenon (I do this sort of thing ) wondering if the ends justify the means.
You see the construction of the Parthenon apparently cost the good citizens of Athens at the time the equivalent of tens of billions of dollars; this in spite of the fact that about half of them thought it an eyesore and a waste of valuable resources (I identify with the Parthenon sometimes). It seems that the structure was really a monument to the architect’s (I forgot his name – something Greek I suspect) ego and ultimately led to his demise at the hands of said citizens. I sat and wondered about the ends justifying the means.
Do the ends justify the means? I was really thinking about my own situation of course: just because a thing can be done does not necessarily mean that it should be done, and ego is a perilous foundation on which to base any venture, just or unjust. So do the ends justify the means? The answer would seem to depend on the ends.
Is it OK to violate your moral code (sin) or the rights of another in order to gain material wealth? Probably not. But, is it OK to violate your moral code or the rights of another in order to prevent someone from committing murder? Probably so. The question only becomes truly gray when one examines where the line is. Ahhhh…where is the line? And how does ego factor in? Does it blur or obscure the line, or does it change one’s perception of the line in some subtler way?
It has been said (I used to know by whom – Hitler maybe) that blind unreasoning will is the most powerful of human forces and that reason is only a light that the will has kindled for itself in order to better attain the object of its desire. Unreasoning will or ego is certainly a dangerous thing and I am a living example of this. Ego should be handled with great care (asbestos gloves and goggles). It should be regulated or at least have a warning label (contents under pressure – extremely volatile). There should be Senate hearings or maybe an after school special.
I stand at the precipice of that line, at a crossroads – my decisions now – any decisions – carry great consequences for myself, Zach and Miranda, and once made cannot be unmade. Do the ends justify the means?

Just do it.

OK, so enough of the lying around waiting for someday...you know... when the time is right? I created this blog to write, and write I shall. I guess it's the perfectionist in me that has kept me from doing this... will it sound good enough? Will it make sense? Will it change the entire fabric of human understanding? Will these thoughts shake the very pillars of heaven?
I was instructed to pick up my light saber so... fuck it! Here's the skinny:
So Mia and I are doing the divorce dance, custody and all, and it ain’t exactly a bucket of joy. The process is fascinating though. You really get to know a person in a profoundly different way when you’re sitting in a mediation session with them or talking to each other through your lawyers. The trick to not going insane seems to be letting go. Ah, isn't that always the trick? But here's the rub: knowing this and actually accomplishing this letting go are two separate things.
I'm getting pretty good at the knowing - not so good at the doing. I do get better, however, and just for today I have indeed let go. I'm told that pain is just part of being human, not optional, but that suffering is an entirely different matter. Suffering is something that I have been choosing to do a lot lately and... well... it sucks. So I have resolved to quit it and to keep quitting it, day by day.
Zach and Miranda came over to Daddy's house for the first time on Saturday and it was very nice for Daddy. I made a delicious (and nutritious) lunch of everything-free rice pasta, organic pasta sauce, sweet peas and fruit. The kids made a big mess which was my greatest pleasure to clean up (actually I saved a little mess just to make the place feel lived in) and stayed until 2:30 in the afternoon. We played, colored and even watched some Noggin. Next time I'll be ready with a camera to capture the white-hot action.
On the matter of current events, this afternoon and evening will see our hero in another mediation session with Mia (although with no real expectations this time) and then off to his therapist to continue the process of being adjudicated (pronounced by those with the correct letters after their names) to be normal. After, it is off to the Monday night meeting that I chair, then dinner and sleep - after a year and a half, as of yesterday, I no longer have to sleep on the floor. There is definitely something to stepping down as you get out of bed - makes the sleep seem even sweeter, kind of like chocolate sprinkles.