I’ve Got Mail!

One of my favorite scenes from The Jerk was when Steve Martin came running down the street towards the gas station where he was living, shouting “the new phone book is here, I’m finally somebody!” I experienced the same feeling yesterday when upon opening the mailbox at my new apartment I found a real envelope inside, lovingly addressed to me (resident). I’m speaking of course of the ubiquitous ValPak coupon mailings.
I took my time with it, while noodles boiled slowly on the stove, savoring the moment, feeling the affirmation of connectedness that comes when another human being (or direct mail computer) reaches out to you.
I felt special. OK, so I don’t need to have my tires rotated, I don’t need an oil change at JuffyLube; I don’t even own a car anymore, which negated the plea for business from the insurance lizard. I have no need of replacement windows – I don’t own a home, or any carpets or upholstery to be cleaned by Sears. The advertisement from the Realty Company had a nice picture of a hot air balloon on it, but it also fell on deaf ears, empty bank accounts and low credit scores. For those same reasons Discover Card would need to be postponed somewhat indefinitely.
I live in Brooklyn; thus eating at Domino’s is something I view as an act of desperation. I already have a cell phone and because of my membership to Blockbuster the Netflix flyer didn’t interest me much, though I thought it was cute the way they die-cut the ad into the shape of a movie theater ticket (good show lads!). Varicose veins have never been much of a worry for me or part of my life, and I’m not in the market for a cruise - four stars or any other number of stars for that matter.
I must admit that I was intrigued by the dentist office ad; it is something that I need to face eventually… yes…eventually! Nathan says that on that day (The Day Of The Dentist) I will have become a Jedi master rather than just a run of the mill Jedi. I’m in no real hurry, although I believe that a bad toothache will change my feelings in a…New York minute.
This left the advertisements (with coupons and menus) for the Chinese, Turkish and Tibetan take-out places and I was sure, certain, unequivocally convinced, absolutely 100% confident that they had been carefully and thoughtfully placed in that envelope especially for me. Indubitably! - I think Snagglepus used to say that.
Getting an email is nice, even the daily email I get for low cost Viagra:

LowestPriceMeds OnNet: FROM $69 VIAGRA, CIALIS, XANAX, VALIUM & ALL …10:33 am

But, there is definitely something inherently more satisfying in the receipt of a real physical object. Perhaps it is in the work (time, money and effort) that must be done in order to harvest the natural resources, create or manufacture the object, shop for and purchase the object, personalize the object, package the object for shipping, transport the object – often over vast distances – and finally to deliver the object to the intended recipient.
I’m usually the first guy in line to bash a “Hallmark holiday” but getting that card in the mail (maybe even with a stick of gum inside or better yet a check) is a uniquely personal and uplifting experience – who knew?