Food for Thought

The 4th of July is a uniquely American holiday. On this day each year millions of my countrymen slaughter, roast and consume helpless animals, get really pissed drunk, then play with explosives - it is a practice that is as incredibly unwise as it is quintessentially American. It seems to be a holiday devoted to excess, even more so than Conspicuous Consumption Day (a.k.a. the holiday formerly known as Christmas). Nothing could possibly illustrate what it means to be an American better than the annual grotesqueness that takes place each year here in Brooklyn: the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest in Coney Island - let me quote from this morning's Newsday:

Downing an average of one Nathan's hot dog every 11 seconds to win the most coveted prize in competitive eating, Joey Chestnut set a world record yesterday when he out-ate - by a mere three wieners - the legendary Takeru Kobayashi, the six-time Coney Island champion.

"It's the Fourth of July and I wanted to bring the title back to America," said the new champ, whose manic mastication of 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes was about 12 more than Kobayashi's total last year.

Consider the fact that each individual Nathan's hot dog (they are raw for the contest) contains 309 calories, 20.14g of fat, 684mg of sodium and 35.43mg of cholesterol. Now let's do some math - that is 20,394 calories, 1329.24g (roughly three pounds) of fat, 45144mg of sodium and 2338.38mg of cholesterol. According to U.N. data, the average Ethiopian consumes about 1600 calories per capita per day, thus Joey Chestnut ate what an average Ethiopian would consume over thirteen days, in a mere twelve minutes. Moreover, he did it not because he was hungry but out of some masochistic need to compete in a binge eating contest.

Perhaps competitive I.V. drug use is next? - I'm sure we would have no trouble finding a sponsor amongst the Big Pharma companies. Maybe next 4th of July we'll be treated to the GlaxoSmithKline Dose-Off, featuring two heavily track-marked heroin addicts standing in front of trays of syringes (only underneath the boardwalk, not on it).

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. ~ Mark Twain

It is not that I'm anti-American, I'm merely pro-human and I find nationalism to be incredibly passe, believing that it is just a pastel-shade of fascism. So I did what I usually do on days like this - I sat it out, opting to watch Michael Moore's Sicko instead - God bless America!