And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

I awoke this cold, dark February morning to the sound of helicopters, and for a moment or two I thought I was having one of my Vietnam flashbacks – then I remembered that I was never in Vietnam or even in the army - anyone’s army for that matter. Although this realization was something of a relief, I was still left with the matter of the helicopters. Helicopters – notice I used the plural form, for if it was just a single helicopter I probably would not have noticed or cared, as a single chopper usually denotes some kind of police action or semi-serious accident. When there are more than one it means that the media is involved, and that means something has happened – usually something rather inconvenient.

So I ran a bath and turned on the radio – surprisingly, AM news radio stations still seem to be the fastest news sources, even in this world of Internet and 24 hour cable news outlets. Sure enough, I quickly learned what I was seeking to know. It was kind of strange to hear someone reporting over the radio, from one of the helicopters that I could hear outside the bathroom window. There was this weird stereo effect to the noise of the rotors – news can be kind of fun but you don’t want it happening too close to home. The reporter was explaining that firefighters were battling a fire that had engulfed two houses on 74th Street near 4th Avenue.

It is an immutable law of physics that water runs downhill, and in New York City “downhill” is the subway system, which just so happens to run underneath 4th Avenue – I made a mental note, “better get a Snickers for the ride to work.”

Bay Ridge is connected to the rest of the world by a single subway line, the R-train, which is always voted the least reliable line in the annual survey of the NYC Transit system. Thousands of gallons of water per minute do not generally improve the functioning of electric trains; thus it was a slow ride out of the Neighborhood this morning. I transferred to the N-train, which is an “express” train, as usual at 59th Street in Sunset Park. I put the word “express” in quotations because, when used in reference to the subway, it has a slightly different meaning than you might expect: these trains do not go any faster, they merely make fewer stops at stations, although they make the same number of stops in the middle of tunnels. Things were fine, however, all the way across the Manhattan Bridge and through Chinatown, and it was not until 14th Street that the next hurdle appeared.

The NYC Transit System as it exists today, is a peculiar mix of new components and ones that are absolutely Jurassic. For example, the pumps that are used to pump rainwater (or any water) out of the tunnels were used in the construction of the Panama Canal, while the control systems that turn them on and off are relatively new. This mix makes for some pretty odd upkeep issues. This is aggravated by the fact that the Transit System has two long seasons, which are brought about by weather extremes: track fire season and track breakage season. These two long seasons are separated from each other by two, shorter track flooding seasons. Today, due to the extremely cold weather, it was definitely track breakage season, and the track my train was riding failed somewhere up the line. The best way to deal with these sorts of obstacles is to leave the underground and quickly hoof it across town to a different line, before everyone else on the train gets the same idea. I walked over to the 7th Avenue line, re-entered the system and made it safely to Harlem on the 2-train.

So why do you care? I was hoping you’d ask! Even though I leave myself tons of extra time each morning, and was therefore never in any real danger of getting to work late, what is remarkable is that at no time did I get upset or bent out of shape. This is amazing! It is a first-class miracle! As I watched my fellow passengers on this commute from Hell turn from miffed, to irked, to totally irate with steam coming out of their ears and nostrils, I found the whole thing funnier and funnier. Today will be a good day – imagine that.