What Fakesteve Would Say:

So like, OK. So I finally get a seat this morning on the N-train. I let the first two moron-packed lemming carts go by, which turned out to be a righteous move because I actually got a seat on the third, and I'm sitting there just starting to get my Zen on, and then it starts. First this fookin guy sits down next to me and has his mp3 player on 11 with the earbuds draped around his neck - you know the type - so that the entire world can hear what God-awful taste in muzak he has. I keep it together, though. One with the universe...and all that. Then this other guy shows up like a bounced check, stands right in front of me and starts acting like MC douchebag, blasting the hip-hop he's downloaded onto his cellphone - ooh, you're sooo not clever, yo. I mean, jeeez! Those tiny little speakers can make Bach sound like a bunch of meth-addicted roaches playing in a crappy metal garage band. And here's a tip for you kids - a bad attitude plus a thesaurus don't add up to music. And to top it off, the frigtard is doing the head-bobbing thaaang like he's just invented the whole concept. Perfect.

So there I am with the iTard to the left of me and MC Phone dovening like a Hassid with his crotch in my face and, incredibly, I'm still holding it together. One with the universe, one with my fellow man... ohm...and so on. But these guys are really starting to totally harsh on my feng shui. The kicker came when a boatload of Chinese women got on the train and started screaming at each other - it's their version of polite conversation, but it sounds like cats humping concertina wire - can't they use their indoor voices? Ever? For fook's sake, shouldn't you people be back in the old country figuring out new and creative ways to put lead in my kids' toys!

At this point I'm already losing my center and my chakra's are getting all out of whack or alignment or whatever, when (ironically) a couple of Indians (dots, not feathers) get on and a cloud of curry / BO laden funk gets on with them. And that's it!

I know what you're probably thinking, but I'm a changed man. The only kung-fu that I threw around was the "accidental" elbow to MC Phone's man-package as I vacated that 29th level of Hell. I need a hot mud bath, a cucumber wrap then some tasty time in the sensory dep. tank, but as far as the MTA goes I’m riding my bike in tomorrow - siooma-baby! Siooma!