The desire to preserve my thoughts for you has overcome my inherent disdain for and distrust of this technological absurdity at last; thus, even though these pages may (and certainly will, should I linger on this plane of existence long enough) be found by you one day in my book(s) of life, in my own hand, I have undertaken this venture so that you will know me in the zeitgeist of the now, when you are living in the then. This enterprise, in the present electronic format, is then merely a vehicle to effectuate and act as a catylist for said purpose - a simple means to a noble end: Love.
I was born in the summer of my 40th year – not born again in a religious sense (though certainly in a spiritual sense) – perhaps awakened is closer to the mark. I finally became the gestalt that is Mark William Miller: a simple human from the sylvan mountains, a small mammalian hunter-gatherer adrift in a exceedingly and, so it always seemed to me, unnecessarily labyrinthine world and way of life.
Even in my earliest recollections, I perceived a series of colossal paradoxes and batant contradictions for which the answers or explainations that were provided me proved woefully inadequate – transparently false - mere platitudes. I surmised that the Truth was either being withheld from me, was unknown to all those I queried, or that the answers did not or could not exist. Although I rejected the last possibility, for not to do so seemed to undermine any purpose for being, I came to no conclusion, no resolution, although the compulsion or pressure to “know” was building even in those early years. The Truth I sought (I later learned) was that same Truth that humanity has always sought: to know “who” I was, what “it all” meant, where we go (or when we go) when we die, the logos of the universe and the very nature of God. Anything short of complete attainment of these answers was akin to failure. As I found many years later, the ponderous and circuitous journey to these understandings nearly cost me my life. More immediately, it led to a deeply seated distrust of and schism with all that is spiritual. This in turn caused me to live in a state of constant depression, anxiety, fear and despair.
Of course I invoke what may seem like hyperbole in the cause of expediency, but the affliction of the spirit from which I suffered, sometimes consciously most often not, was profound. Life happens with all of its slings and arrows and with its moments of perfect beauty; however, my disposition enabled me to attend primarily to the former and seldom to the later. In short, I was generally a largely unhappy camper. Early on I learned to distract myself, an effort to escape a reality that was at worst painful and at best pointless. I escaped into books, movies, pinball (and later video games), projects and hobbies. I daydreamed and slept excessively. The pressure that I experienced grew as I did; thus, the distractions necessarily grew as well. I embraced risk-taking, sex, violence and mind-altering substances.
I have most of my answers now or at least the broad outlines of the Truths that are still not complete, and it is the purpose of these writings to share what I have discovered. Some arrived as epiphanies; others were concealed in plain view the whole time but, appeared too simple to be the monumental Truths that they turned out to be. My dearest hope is that these pages will spare you the torment that I endured and allow you to share the remainder of the journey with me as my companions. Life is beautiful, precious and transient. It is a gift and a responsibility, an obligation to experience: to experience pain or to experience joy. Today I choose - I am able to choose - joy.
Most of what will follow are my original writings, however, others are drawn from various sources and have been modified by me (cobbled together really) to reflect my thinking and beliefs. I have tried to note the original sources wherever possible.
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