In Memory of Handshakes

Several thousand years ago, when I was a young lad in Cub Scouts, I was taught several of what were purported to be essential skills / customs for success in our culture. Among these were how to tie a necktie, how to shine one's shoes and how to shake hands properly.

The handshake’s origins are unclear, although Philip A. Busterson's seminal 1978 work Social Rituals of the British traces its roots back to Sir Walter Raleigh, claiming he introduced the custom into the British Court during the late 16th Century. It is (or was) commonly done upon meeting, greeting, parting, offering congratulations, or completing an agreement. Its purpose is to convey trust, balance, and equality. Handshakes possibly originated as a gesture showing that the hand holds no weapon.

In our culture, shaking hands is considered the standard greeting in business situations. It is considered to be in poor taste to show dominance with too strong a handshake; conversely, too weak a handshake (sometimes referred to as a "limp fish" or "dead fish" handshake) is also considered unseemly due to people perceiving it as a sign of weakness.

I sat there all those years ago, with my blue scout cap and blue shirt covered with pack insignia patches, cinched my yellow neckerchief and felt that unlike tying a bowline knot or knowing how to whittle a good sharp stick, here was something that would serve me well to know for the rest of my life.

However, as I got a little older I was dismayed to learn that in American culture, there is another ritual: the "Soul Brother Handshake," also called a "Power" or "Unity" shake. This dates to the 1960s, began among African-American men, and is still widely practiced between men of various races as a gesture of close friendship. This is usually a three move procedure, beginning with a traditional, palm-to-palm clasp, followed in quick succession by a clasping at the hilt of the thumbs, and finally, by a hooked clasp of only the fingers, in the manner of railroad couplers. To further complicate matters, it is often also followed by a series of hand slaps.

The problem lay in determining which shake was expected by other party, but I eventually learned, after many embarrassing mistakes, to assign "cool quotients" to prospective shakees and to use various contextual clues to accurately predict (at least 90% of the time) which shake to employ.

But now this all seems to have changed again. Over the past several years I have noticed that the use of the handshake is in a very definite (possible terminal) decline, having been replaced by the absurd practice of banging closed fists together (as in a punch being met by a counter-punch). Where, how or why this started? – I have not been able to determine, but I can’t remember the last time I actually shook hands.

Going back to those tender formative years (be assured this is a tangent with a point), one of my favorite non-Cub Scout activities was watching Saturday morning cartoons, particularly the Super Friends. This group was stacked with the likes of Batman, Superman, Aqua Man, Wonder Woman, The Flash, etc. but somehow these titans allowed a couple of wannabes to hang around and generally ride on their coat tails. These were the Wonder Twins (and their stupid little monkey). The only “super” powers that they had were the abilities to turn into any animal (the female twin) and anything made out of water or ice (the male twin). It was completely gay! The only thing more ridiculous than their “powers” was the way they accessed them: by the same fist bang that I reluctantly participated in this very morning when my boss offered his clenched fist in greeting.

Didn’t anyone else watch Super Friends? Is it some germ-a-phobic thing? Can’t they see that we’re compromising our values? Aren’t we really saying, “well, it’s too much work to live up to the standard that Batman set for us – I’ll just settle for the Wonder Twins”? I don’t get it, and I don’t want to – the world still needs a good firm handshake.